There is a time for all things to end and a time for new things to blossom and unfold.
I just have this dull ache inside. The one where you know what's happening, you just can't dare to admit it yet. The ache where you know exactly what they're going to say....and what you have to do to get out of all the mess you've made. But you can't seem to bring yourself to do it just yet.
Not right now.
Ellie's in Ghana and for a change I'm the one thats been left behind...it feels weird to think of her in Africa. She's loving it...absolutely loving it and I'm so pleased she's settled in so quickly and is doing so well. She deserves it. But I have the rubbish everyones-moving-on-with-out-me-feeling and it's sunk to the bottom of my stomach like a rock. I love her. I miss her so much...she's the better half of me and I need her. But I need this space and time to myself to let events sink in. And i mean really sink in. I'm facing a year of being stuck on the island alone for a year and its scary me to death....have no idea what to do with myself, and I've never imagined me in a proper job..but I suppose I need to experience it. My friends grilled me today and told me to be sensible for once in my life and do what I need to do...and not the first thing which pops into my head. I'm good at popping...just not good at accepting consequences : ). O dear.
I sat there...staring out of the window like all the answers would just fall out of the sky and into my hands, but all there was was anxiety and isolation. I know what i need to do...but its far beyond what I really want to do. I need this year to become sensible and to re-focu myself on me and what it is a really want...but with no one around me I'm sure I want to. I'm going to miss them all so much. Watching them all go back to univeristy is going to sting...but they've all worked for what they have and what have I ever done? Procrastinated, fooled myself into thinking it would all happen just like that and fallen for the wrong guys. Great one. Hence the mess. But there's alway a way out...Just have to really work for what I want and actually do it rather than thinking about it all and living in a dream world all the time. I like dreams but have to draw the line somewhere, or I will be caught in my own dream and never have to chance of succeeding in reality. I'm fed up of being lied to and played and tired of thinking it'll all happen tomorrow when it wont. It never does.
Looking back...I think I did go to Belfast for Marty. I can sugar-coat it as much as I want and I can pretend I went there for an new start...and maybe I did really go there for the thrill...but it never really lived up to expectations. I wasn't free. I was miles away from home in a place I still don'd really understand and even though I couldn't admit it at the time...I think it was mainly for Marty. Love keeps my world spinning, and turning and dipping and diving...and it all stops when theres no love. Then I realise why I did things. I should never have gone and should have seen this all coming; never think and never face the consequences. But I can't change anything and from what I've learned, I'm not sure I really want to. No regrets. And now, after it all...I'm even more stuck than I would like to believe.
I've fallen for the excitment and now I'm in the process of being heartbroken. Karma.
There's an end to everything. I know that...but why does the ending have to be now? Why can't this summery bliss last for a little longer?? And there's a time for new things to blossom and unfold.
.X.
