I begin to feel undeniably guilty. I begin to question everything thing I've done and an overwhelming sense of anxiety swells inside me.
'Now that you've found it, you don't. Now that you feel it, you don't....So don't get any big ideas, they're not gonna happen...'
But then I think being scared isn't the reason to run away and maybe it's a good feeling; it shows I care enough to feel petrified by it. That's good. I'm learning that being scared is a love-hate relationship; there's nothing I can do about my feelings no matter what they are and being scared is terrifying...but it means I do have some feelings about all of this buried underneath the skittish exterior. If I'd just woken up, stared at the ceiling for a while and wiped the sleepy dust from my eyes, I think I'd be happy enough within myself to feel confident I've made the right decisions for the right reasons. But it's other people who make you scared. I'm happy. I know I am and I know I've done the right things and I'm doing all of this because it makes me happy. But talking to friends makes you wonder whether you've done the right thing, and whether you've done it for the right reasons.
Too many minds in one head.
Too many hearts beating in one chest.
Too many pulses of anxiety in one body.
I think I'm just scared. It's all new and exciting but shit scary at the same time. Everyone gets scared, I just don't know how to feel calm about it yet. My friends are beautiful and I love them entirely, but sometimes you have to stick to your guns and go on that instant emotion when you wake up. Happiness. I can't keep acting on that nagging guilt feeling...I have to love for the right reasons.
This probably sounds like a complete riddle to some people, and I think that's probably a good thing. So much has happened in the last month and I can't even remember which day it is half the time. But I don't think the pace of it really matters...the speed makes it accelerating and makes the scared feeling all the more intense, but all that really matters is that your doing it for the right reasons. I love wholeheartedly and this is no exception. I'm sorry for the way things have turned out and I'm sorry for all the heartache I've caused...but you have to be sure. And if your not sure, then what's the point?? I wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't try and go back and change how I feel and the way things went...it just happened. But I would change how I realised and when i cried over it. But you can never changed raw emotion and never should.
It seems as though I've fallen down the rabbit hole. Accidentally fallen into something so scary and different and electric that I dunno if the stars still shine at night or not. I'm sorry. But we have to have the courage to act on how we feel...on those nagging doubts and fiery thoughts.
Tell me I should be calm
.X.
Sunday, 25 July 2010
Thursday, 15 July 2010
A great summer love affair
I used to believe that nothing could ever go my way...that I could only dare to dream I would ever have the courage to realise what I really wanted and that I could actually make it happen. But when everything is suddenly turned on its head, and when things that you thought were once solid and even touchable, become so dilluted and out of reach...you then realise that you can make things different.
I've had an interesting year. Met some fantastic people, made a new life, fallen in love, been drunk a lot, cried, stressed, loved, hugged, kissed, moved house, become independant, risked a beautiful relationship, decided I hate my course and was living a life I should rather than one I loved...slept, wept, ate and cried some more. And at the end of it all, despite everything, I think I've finally made a little head way.
Belfast is beautiful. Scary and big, but entirely beautiful. Coming from an island, anything apart from a small town is immense and overwhelming, but I think I needed to feel so out of my depth. I had to be plunged into a manic city to realise what I have and what I want, and even though it hasn't all worked out 'to plan', it has allowed me to be able to make my own decisions and discover how important the little things are. University is not the breezey, carefree ride most people think...and I realise that now. You have to want it...you have to be ambitious and commited and I wasn't either. And walking into a class full of students laced with the excitement of graduation and 'the next big read', you kinda realise that you don't fit in when you sit at the back and just wish for a Starbucks, a little David Gray and anything apart from books. But it hasn't been wasted. From any experience comes the chance for change and the chance to become brave and to follow what your gut tells you.
Sitting on the bed with my sister, listening to the summer rain and watching the drips slide down the window, I feel a sense of gratitude about how things have turned out. A lot of my uni friends have blogs and write about what an amazing year they've had, and I kinda feel on the outside. Like I don't belong. But I don't think it matters. I've realised how much I love home...despite the nagging mothers : ). I am so lucky to have such brilliant friends, the most gorgeous sister anyone could wish for, and to have someone who is happy to hold my hand and watch me unfold. And i'm lucky to have been giving another chance. This year is about finding me, and who I am. My ex once said...'you can't answer anything because you don't know who you are yourself'.
So here goes.
Lets unleash the real Mary on the world and see what happens. : ).
I've had an interesting year. Met some fantastic people, made a new life, fallen in love, been drunk a lot, cried, stressed, loved, hugged, kissed, moved house, become independant, risked a beautiful relationship, decided I hate my course and was living a life I should rather than one I loved...slept, wept, ate and cried some more. And at the end of it all, despite everything, I think I've finally made a little head way.
Belfast is beautiful. Scary and big, but entirely beautiful. Coming from an island, anything apart from a small town is immense and overwhelming, but I think I needed to feel so out of my depth. I had to be plunged into a manic city to realise what I have and what I want, and even though it hasn't all worked out 'to plan', it has allowed me to be able to make my own decisions and discover how important the little things are. University is not the breezey, carefree ride most people think...and I realise that now. You have to want it...you have to be ambitious and commited and I wasn't either. And walking into a class full of students laced with the excitement of graduation and 'the next big read', you kinda realise that you don't fit in when you sit at the back and just wish for a Starbucks, a little David Gray and anything apart from books. But it hasn't been wasted. From any experience comes the chance for change and the chance to become brave and to follow what your gut tells you.
Sitting on the bed with my sister, listening to the summer rain and watching the drips slide down the window, I feel a sense of gratitude about how things have turned out. A lot of my uni friends have blogs and write about what an amazing year they've had, and I kinda feel on the outside. Like I don't belong. But I don't think it matters. I've realised how much I love home...despite the nagging mothers : ). I am so lucky to have such brilliant friends, the most gorgeous sister anyone could wish for, and to have someone who is happy to hold my hand and watch me unfold. And i'm lucky to have been giving another chance. This year is about finding me, and who I am. My ex once said...'you can't answer anything because you don't know who you are yourself'.
So here goes.
Lets unleash the real Mary on the world and see what happens. : ).
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