The Scream

I begin to feel undeniably guilty. I begin to question everything thing I've done and an overwhelming sense of anxiety swells inside me.


'Now that you've found it, you don't. Now that you feel it, you don't....So don't get any big ideas, they're not gonna happen...'


But then I think being scared isn't the reason to run away and maybe it's a good feeling; it shows I care enough to feel petrified by it. That's good. I'm learning that being scared is a love-hate relationship; there's nothing I can do about my feelings no matter what they are and being scared is terrifying...but it means I do have some feelings about all of this buried underneath the skittish exterior. If I'd just woken up, stared at the ceiling for a while and wiped the sleepy dust from my eyes, I think I'd be happy enough within myself to feel confident I've made the right decisions for the right reasons. But it's other people who make you scared. I'm happy. I know I am and I know I've done the right things and I'm doing all of this because it makes me happy. But talking to friends makes you wonder whether you've done the right thing, and whether you've done it for the right reasons.


Too many minds in one head.
Too many hearts beating in one chest.
Too many pulses of anxiety in one body.


I think I'm just scared. It's all new and exciting but shit scary at the same time. Everyone gets scared, I just don't know how to feel calm about it yet. My friends are beautiful and I love them entirely, but sometimes you have to stick to your guns and go on that instant emotion when you wake up. Happiness. I can't keep acting on that nagging guilt feeling...I have to love for the right reasons.

This probably sounds like a complete riddle to some people, and I think that's probably a good thing. So much has happened in the last month and I can't even remember which day it is half the time. But I don't think the pace of it really matters...the speed makes it accelerating and makes the scared feeling all the more intense, but all that really matters is that your doing it for the right reasons. I love wholeheartedly and this is no exception. I'm sorry for the way things have turned out and I'm sorry for all the heartache I've caused...but you have to be sure. And if your not sure, then what's the point?? I wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't try and go back and change how I feel and the way things went...it just happened. But I would change how I realised and when i cried over it. But you can never changed raw emotion and never should.

It seems as though I've fallen down the rabbit hole. Accidentally fallen into something so scary and different and electric that I dunno if the stars still shine at night or not. I'm sorry. But we have to have the courage to act on how we feel...on those nagging doubts and fiery thoughts.


Tell me I should be calm


.X.