'One foot in the sea, and one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me, you know me...
But man is a giddy thing, Oh man is a giddy thing...
Love, it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be...'
You can never really win. It is never enough and no matter how much you try to run away and move on, there will always be reminders. It's never ending. As soon as you forget, it turns up and expects it to be all ok again and expects to rebuild it all but I'm not sure quite how. Being angry is easy, but forgiveness is something that takes time and reassurance. It's all delicate. But then why should we let humiliation and devastation get the better of us...why not try and replace all the uncertainty with a little certainty for once.
.X.
Saturday, 11 December 2010
Sunday, 14 November 2010
Delicate
'We might kiss when we are alone
When nobodies watching...might take you home
We might make out when nobodies there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate....'
This might be a lost cause, but I think I need to vent. I understand people deal with things in different ways but there is no need to make every little detail public and open to the interent. You wont believe that I'm hurting a little too...I just don't see the need of everyone knowing. Somethings are meant to be private and a relationship is about two people. Not everyone else.
You made me smile when I had lost all faith in myself. No matter how many people tell you that you might be wonderful and lovely, and how much they value you...nothing says it better than someone caring about you. So thank you. I worried and panicked that I would never live up to your high expectations, and maybe I never really will...but you made me realise that there are lovely guys out there who do have the capacity to respect people. But respect is not the same as love. I never wanted to get cold feet or mess you around..but I think in the end, it just wasn't right for me. Yet, you made me wander around with the biggest smile on my face...I remember walking home in the rain in your hoody, soaked through, but I didn't care how much it chucked it down I was beaming and I felt safe. Loved and safe. Things just moved a little fast and I think we both need to re-assess what we want. I know you probably don't give a fuck any more; I understand that you'll probably move on as fast as we got together, but I miss it all a little and I'm sorry.
I was asked...'have you ever been in love?'. And I think so.
You should love someone because you can't stop thinking about them and can't get enough of them. Because they turn your world upside down and because they are the only thing you want to go home to...not just because everyone else makes you think you do. It's unexplained and just happens.
I might seem un-emotional and un-caring to you. But I'm the opposite. I'm hot-headed, quickly angered and feel every single emotion under the sun. Gahh, I can't even explain why I feel the way I do half the time. So please, if anything, don't say I was never loving. It was all a little soon. I was never made to feel I could live up to the perfect gorgeous image you had in your head all the time, and if something doesn't feel right, then why not risk everything and try and find the thing that does.
God, this all makes me sounds like such a nob. I'm sorry.
.X.
When nobodies watching...might take you home
We might make out when nobodies there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate....'
This might be a lost cause, but I think I need to vent. I understand people deal with things in different ways but there is no need to make every little detail public and open to the interent. You wont believe that I'm hurting a little too...I just don't see the need of everyone knowing. Somethings are meant to be private and a relationship is about two people. Not everyone else.
You made me smile when I had lost all faith in myself. No matter how many people tell you that you might be wonderful and lovely, and how much they value you...nothing says it better than someone caring about you. So thank you. I worried and panicked that I would never live up to your high expectations, and maybe I never really will...but you made me realise that there are lovely guys out there who do have the capacity to respect people. But respect is not the same as love. I never wanted to get cold feet or mess you around..but I think in the end, it just wasn't right for me. Yet, you made me wander around with the biggest smile on my face...I remember walking home in the rain in your hoody, soaked through, but I didn't care how much it chucked it down I was beaming and I felt safe. Loved and safe. Things just moved a little fast and I think we both need to re-assess what we want. I know you probably don't give a fuck any more; I understand that you'll probably move on as fast as we got together, but I miss it all a little and I'm sorry.
I was asked...'have you ever been in love?'. And I think so.
You should love someone because you can't stop thinking about them and can't get enough of them. Because they turn your world upside down and because they are the only thing you want to go home to...not just because everyone else makes you think you do. It's unexplained and just happens.
I might seem un-emotional and un-caring to you. But I'm the opposite. I'm hot-headed, quickly angered and feel every single emotion under the sun. Gahh, I can't even explain why I feel the way I do half the time. So please, if anything, don't say I was never loving. It was all a little soon. I was never made to feel I could live up to the perfect gorgeous image you had in your head all the time, and if something doesn't feel right, then why not risk everything and try and find the thing that does.
God, this all makes me sounds like such a nob. I'm sorry.
.X.
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Prickly skin
Roll with it my little ones...
There is no need to rush a single thing
Drift along side the drop out's sighs and indulge in the possibilities of an educated future.
Watch the clouds slide through the sky...we have years to deal with all the let downs and heart breaking silences.
Live because we want to. Dream because there is nothing else to do. Love because you're compelled to, because you can't do anything else.
.X.
There is no need to rush a single thing
Drift along side the drop out's sighs and indulge in the possibilities of an educated future.
Watch the clouds slide through the sky...we have years to deal with all the let downs and heart breaking silences.
Live because we want to. Dream because there is nothing else to do. Love because you're compelled to, because you can't do anything else.
.X.
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
Can you feel it coming in the air tonight??
*Sighs*
I miss Belfast. I think I've done the right thing...but this time last year I was cramming things onto boxes and setting out on an epic adventure to live in Northern Ireland...and I miss it. I miss the craziness, the freedom and in a way, being miles away from all the stupid history and connections. Oo and the weird Belfast smell...endless rainy days...dashing in and out of Queen's cloisters hiding under a broken Primark (Or Pre-mark as the Norn Irns would say) umbrella with the rain pounding all around you, leaking through the cracks of the brick work. Some days might have been lonely, but I miss the nights out...an Irish party can never be missed!! And ahh all the annoying taxi rides to and from West Belfast and town...the scorn Marty's dad gave me every time I even mentioned to words "Lift please...maybe??", and the random drives to Tescos in Lisburn. Thinking of any reason to be late for work, avoiding the library, skipping lectures, sneaking out the back door instead for a quick Starbucks and a writing session...that was Belfast :). Bliss.
The Island seems quiet knowing everyone has gone. Viki's gone up to Bristol for a few days and all here is doing is looking grim, rainy and seriously uninviting. Argg. Winter has definitely come far too early for my liking! :). But instead of pining to be outside in the dreamy summer light, I am getting used to this working lark, and I'm starting to wonder what do you really do on days off? Procrastination seems silly now. I barely know what to do with myself for an hour alone in the house let alone a whole weekend!! haha :)...have to smile I suppose. Everythings moving on and it's good. See optimism there! YAY!!
Have a craving to go to Scotland or somewhere though. Somewhere cold and far away where snuggling in trashy jumpers and chugging down copius amounts of steamy tea could never be frowned upon. I think I just want to live in an episode of Ashes to Ashes to be honest. hahaaaaa If only :). Down time is needed.
Radiohead, peppermint tea, Paolo Nutini and Sia...sounds like decent down time to me! :D
I miss Belfast. I think I've done the right thing...but this time last year I was cramming things onto boxes and setting out on an epic adventure to live in Northern Ireland...and I miss it. I miss the craziness, the freedom and in a way, being miles away from all the stupid history and connections. Oo and the weird Belfast smell...endless rainy days...dashing in and out of Queen's cloisters hiding under a broken Primark (Or Pre-mark as the Norn Irns would say) umbrella with the rain pounding all around you, leaking through the cracks of the brick work. Some days might have been lonely, but I miss the nights out...an Irish party can never be missed!! And ahh all the annoying taxi rides to and from West Belfast and town...the scorn Marty's dad gave me every time I even mentioned to words "Lift please...maybe??", and the random drives to Tescos in Lisburn. Thinking of any reason to be late for work, avoiding the library, skipping lectures, sneaking out the back door instead for a quick Starbucks and a writing session...that was Belfast :). Bliss.
The Island seems quiet knowing everyone has gone. Viki's gone up to Bristol for a few days and all here is doing is looking grim, rainy and seriously uninviting. Argg. Winter has definitely come far too early for my liking! :). But instead of pining to be outside in the dreamy summer light, I am getting used to this working lark, and I'm starting to wonder what do you really do on days off? Procrastination seems silly now. I barely know what to do with myself for an hour alone in the house let alone a whole weekend!! haha :)...have to smile I suppose. Everythings moving on and it's good. See optimism there! YAY!!
Have a craving to go to Scotland or somewhere though. Somewhere cold and far away where snuggling in trashy jumpers and chugging down copius amounts of steamy tea could never be frowned upon. I think I just want to live in an episode of Ashes to Ashes to be honest. hahaaaaa If only :). Down time is needed.
Radiohead, peppermint tea, Paolo Nutini and Sia...sounds like decent down time to me! :D
Friday, 10 September 2010
Scuzzy
'We're just two lost souls...swimming in a fish bowl'
Summer has been crazy. It's just been a fuzzy blur of endless pale skin, too much wine, even more work, wasting wages on music and vodka, and chilled evenings with the ladies and cake. My little sisters been to Ghana and back and has just become an entirely gorgeous person...and I've stayed on the island, worked and haven't done anything noticeably special or amazing. Sucks ey?
I've been screwed over, played, shot down, stressed to tears, and well...heartbroken. But fuck it all. If anything its made me realise that I am surrounded by beautiful people who do care...I have no reason to mope about one arsehole who has absolutely no respect for anything without a penis. And in fact, thank you for an entirely eventful summers. I think I've learnt so much more in these few sunny months than I have ever done in all the years stuck doing A levels and even in Uni. Thank you for all the angst and heartache :)...there is nothing wrong with me. You allowed me to escape the rut and now I can breathe a little. It was never worth the anxiety it caused and never will be, no matter how rubbish I feel watching you get on with it...was all just a little delicate bubble waiting to burst. It had it's purpose and then it fucked off...beautifully disposable.
'It's a simple fact that you can't seem to handle me...'.
I have discovered so much this summer and have like just been more mary-like than ever. I've discovered the wonders of caramel soya lattes :)....ahhh my days they are wonderful! Caffeine has never tasted so good...and to a food freak, that is some serious compliment haha :). I've found out that revenge is one of the sweetest things, although I really shouldn't admit to this. Also that if I were a lesbian, Victoria Bruinsma would be my first port of call :D. She is just epic in all proportions and I would never want to loose her...cake sessions would never be the same :). Her, Jake and Laura have made this summer. Spa Tuesdays will always be remembered, even if Jake's vision is disrupted by jacuzzi bubbles so much he can't tell which feet are his own. Haaaaaa love. And despite everything, I've discovered some lovely people amongst all the rubbish. Thanks to the East Cowes crew!! I know I've been a mess recently and all, but you guys have been brilliant and I love you. Mostly :).
Ahhh and I've been to Cardiff and the gorgeous place of Bristol!! Good times; me and Viki, freezing in the rain, wandering around Bristol venting all dislike of men and money whilst searching for Starbucks. Bristol!! Come on Bristol...really, six hours searching for Starbucks?? Pfffffft London next time I think :). But you are rather lovely though Bristolia, so no worries!
Everything else is all a bug fuzz really. Know I've been drunk a lot. A lot, a lot. O dear.....I sound like a total wino. But despite going a bit crazy, it's been what I've needed. Relaxation, new people and total hecticness. Bliss. But I know this chilled feeling and contentedness isn't going to last for long...everyone has started leaving and going back to uni and is so weird that to think that this time last year, I was cramming things into boxes, being a pile of nerves and travelling for two days to get Ireland. Is so weird I'm not doing it all again this year, and I'm dreading being left behind. But time is more needed than a hectic year of literature and all that balls haha. O well. Will all be worth it. Hopefully. And besides...I've finally been on my first ever random date!! Argg I feel loved :). And despite being absolutely petrified and getting a little too light-headed than I planned it...it was, hopefully, strangely good. To all you doubting ladies out there...nice guys do actually exist, we just choose to ignore them most the time...there's always hope. Feels like I never really went to Belfast...I don't remember uni happening...but I know this year is going to be hectic and the most boring, hard core, and yet exciting and scariest year yet. Becoming 20, endless opportunities and having a year to do anything in? I think this could be love....
To life, tears and rubbish men...I thank you for making us realise what we really do have, and all the things that actually mean something
.X.
Summer has been crazy. It's just been a fuzzy blur of endless pale skin, too much wine, even more work, wasting wages on music and vodka, and chilled evenings with the ladies and cake. My little sisters been to Ghana and back and has just become an entirely gorgeous person...and I've stayed on the island, worked and haven't done anything noticeably special or amazing. Sucks ey?
I've been screwed over, played, shot down, stressed to tears, and well...heartbroken. But fuck it all. If anything its made me realise that I am surrounded by beautiful people who do care...I have no reason to mope about one arsehole who has absolutely no respect for anything without a penis. And in fact, thank you for an entirely eventful summers. I think I've learnt so much more in these few sunny months than I have ever done in all the years stuck doing A levels and even in Uni. Thank you for all the angst and heartache :)...there is nothing wrong with me. You allowed me to escape the rut and now I can breathe a little. It was never worth the anxiety it caused and never will be, no matter how rubbish I feel watching you get on with it...was all just a little delicate bubble waiting to burst. It had it's purpose and then it fucked off...beautifully disposable.
'It's a simple fact that you can't seem to handle me...'.
I have discovered so much this summer and have like just been more mary-like than ever. I've discovered the wonders of caramel soya lattes :)....ahhh my days they are wonderful! Caffeine has never tasted so good...and to a food freak, that is some serious compliment haha :). I've found out that revenge is one of the sweetest things, although I really shouldn't admit to this. Also that if I were a lesbian, Victoria Bruinsma would be my first port of call :D. She is just epic in all proportions and I would never want to loose her...cake sessions would never be the same :). Her, Jake and Laura have made this summer. Spa Tuesdays will always be remembered, even if Jake's vision is disrupted by jacuzzi bubbles so much he can't tell which feet are his own. Haaaaaa love. And despite everything, I've discovered some lovely people amongst all the rubbish. Thanks to the East Cowes crew!! I know I've been a mess recently and all, but you guys have been brilliant and I love you. Mostly :).
Ahhh and I've been to Cardiff and the gorgeous place of Bristol!! Good times; me and Viki, freezing in the rain, wandering around Bristol venting all dislike of men and money whilst searching for Starbucks. Bristol!! Come on Bristol...really, six hours searching for Starbucks?? Pfffffft London next time I think :). But you are rather lovely though Bristolia, so no worries!
Everything else is all a bug fuzz really. Know I've been drunk a lot. A lot, a lot. O dear.....I sound like a total wino. But despite going a bit crazy, it's been what I've needed. Relaxation, new people and total hecticness. Bliss. But I know this chilled feeling and contentedness isn't going to last for long...everyone has started leaving and going back to uni and is so weird that to think that this time last year, I was cramming things into boxes, being a pile of nerves and travelling for two days to get Ireland. Is so weird I'm not doing it all again this year, and I'm dreading being left behind. But time is more needed than a hectic year of literature and all that balls haha. O well. Will all be worth it. Hopefully. And besides...I've finally been on my first ever random date!! Argg I feel loved :). And despite being absolutely petrified and getting a little too light-headed than I planned it...it was, hopefully, strangely good. To all you doubting ladies out there...nice guys do actually exist, we just choose to ignore them most the time...there's always hope. Feels like I never really went to Belfast...I don't remember uni happening...but I know this year is going to be hectic and the most boring, hard core, and yet exciting and scariest year yet. Becoming 20, endless opportunities and having a year to do anything in? I think this could be love....
To life, tears and rubbish men...I thank you for making us realise what we really do have, and all the things that actually mean something
.X.
Monday, 9 August 2010
I love you but you can't hear me
You can't see me in the crowd
You can't see my smile
Let go and let yourself love...just for a while. Just a little while.
I miss you
'Be my friend...hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me...I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up and breathe me...'
The missing is only temporary though. It fades. I will not be taken for a ride by anyone...time to jump ship : )
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)