'One foot in the sea, and one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me, you know me...
But man is a giddy thing, Oh man is a giddy thing...
Love, it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be...'
You can never really win. It is never enough and no matter how much you try to run away and move on, there will always be reminders. It's never ending. As soon as you forget, it turns up and expects it to be all ok again and expects to rebuild it all but I'm not sure quite how. Being angry is easy, but forgiveness is something that takes time and reassurance. It's all delicate. But then why should we let humiliation and devastation get the better of us...why not try and replace all the uncertainty with a little certainty for once.
.X.
Saturday, 11 December 2010
Sunday, 14 November 2010
Delicate
'We might kiss when we are alone
When nobodies watching...might take you home
We might make out when nobodies there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate....'
This might be a lost cause, but I think I need to vent. I understand people deal with things in different ways but there is no need to make every little detail public and open to the interent. You wont believe that I'm hurting a little too...I just don't see the need of everyone knowing. Somethings are meant to be private and a relationship is about two people. Not everyone else.
You made me smile when I had lost all faith in myself. No matter how many people tell you that you might be wonderful and lovely, and how much they value you...nothing says it better than someone caring about you. So thank you. I worried and panicked that I would never live up to your high expectations, and maybe I never really will...but you made me realise that there are lovely guys out there who do have the capacity to respect people. But respect is not the same as love. I never wanted to get cold feet or mess you around..but I think in the end, it just wasn't right for me. Yet, you made me wander around with the biggest smile on my face...I remember walking home in the rain in your hoody, soaked through, but I didn't care how much it chucked it down I was beaming and I felt safe. Loved and safe. Things just moved a little fast and I think we both need to re-assess what we want. I know you probably don't give a fuck any more; I understand that you'll probably move on as fast as we got together, but I miss it all a little and I'm sorry.
I was asked...'have you ever been in love?'. And I think so.
You should love someone because you can't stop thinking about them and can't get enough of them. Because they turn your world upside down and because they are the only thing you want to go home to...not just because everyone else makes you think you do. It's unexplained and just happens.
I might seem un-emotional and un-caring to you. But I'm the opposite. I'm hot-headed, quickly angered and feel every single emotion under the sun. Gahh, I can't even explain why I feel the way I do half the time. So please, if anything, don't say I was never loving. It was all a little soon. I was never made to feel I could live up to the perfect gorgeous image you had in your head all the time, and if something doesn't feel right, then why not risk everything and try and find the thing that does.
God, this all makes me sounds like such a nob. I'm sorry.
.X.
When nobodies watching...might take you home
We might make out when nobodies there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate....'
This might be a lost cause, but I think I need to vent. I understand people deal with things in different ways but there is no need to make every little detail public and open to the interent. You wont believe that I'm hurting a little too...I just don't see the need of everyone knowing. Somethings are meant to be private and a relationship is about two people. Not everyone else.
You made me smile when I had lost all faith in myself. No matter how many people tell you that you might be wonderful and lovely, and how much they value you...nothing says it better than someone caring about you. So thank you. I worried and panicked that I would never live up to your high expectations, and maybe I never really will...but you made me realise that there are lovely guys out there who do have the capacity to respect people. But respect is not the same as love. I never wanted to get cold feet or mess you around..but I think in the end, it just wasn't right for me. Yet, you made me wander around with the biggest smile on my face...I remember walking home in the rain in your hoody, soaked through, but I didn't care how much it chucked it down I was beaming and I felt safe. Loved and safe. Things just moved a little fast and I think we both need to re-assess what we want. I know you probably don't give a fuck any more; I understand that you'll probably move on as fast as we got together, but I miss it all a little and I'm sorry.
I was asked...'have you ever been in love?'. And I think so.
You should love someone because you can't stop thinking about them and can't get enough of them. Because they turn your world upside down and because they are the only thing you want to go home to...not just because everyone else makes you think you do. It's unexplained and just happens.
I might seem un-emotional and un-caring to you. But I'm the opposite. I'm hot-headed, quickly angered and feel every single emotion under the sun. Gahh, I can't even explain why I feel the way I do half the time. So please, if anything, don't say I was never loving. It was all a little soon. I was never made to feel I could live up to the perfect gorgeous image you had in your head all the time, and if something doesn't feel right, then why not risk everything and try and find the thing that does.
God, this all makes me sounds like such a nob. I'm sorry.
.X.
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Prickly skin
Roll with it my little ones...
There is no need to rush a single thing
Drift along side the drop out's sighs and indulge in the possibilities of an educated future.
Watch the clouds slide through the sky...we have years to deal with all the let downs and heart breaking silences.
Live because we want to. Dream because there is nothing else to do. Love because you're compelled to, because you can't do anything else.
.X.
There is no need to rush a single thing
Drift along side the drop out's sighs and indulge in the possibilities of an educated future.
Watch the clouds slide through the sky...we have years to deal with all the let downs and heart breaking silences.
Live because we want to. Dream because there is nothing else to do. Love because you're compelled to, because you can't do anything else.
.X.
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
Can you feel it coming in the air tonight??
*Sighs*
I miss Belfast. I think I've done the right thing...but this time last year I was cramming things onto boxes and setting out on an epic adventure to live in Northern Ireland...and I miss it. I miss the craziness, the freedom and in a way, being miles away from all the stupid history and connections. Oo and the weird Belfast smell...endless rainy days...dashing in and out of Queen's cloisters hiding under a broken Primark (Or Pre-mark as the Norn Irns would say) umbrella with the rain pounding all around you, leaking through the cracks of the brick work. Some days might have been lonely, but I miss the nights out...an Irish party can never be missed!! And ahh all the annoying taxi rides to and from West Belfast and town...the scorn Marty's dad gave me every time I even mentioned to words "Lift please...maybe??", and the random drives to Tescos in Lisburn. Thinking of any reason to be late for work, avoiding the library, skipping lectures, sneaking out the back door instead for a quick Starbucks and a writing session...that was Belfast :). Bliss.
The Island seems quiet knowing everyone has gone. Viki's gone up to Bristol for a few days and all here is doing is looking grim, rainy and seriously uninviting. Argg. Winter has definitely come far too early for my liking! :). But instead of pining to be outside in the dreamy summer light, I am getting used to this working lark, and I'm starting to wonder what do you really do on days off? Procrastination seems silly now. I barely know what to do with myself for an hour alone in the house let alone a whole weekend!! haha :)...have to smile I suppose. Everythings moving on and it's good. See optimism there! YAY!!
Have a craving to go to Scotland or somewhere though. Somewhere cold and far away where snuggling in trashy jumpers and chugging down copius amounts of steamy tea could never be frowned upon. I think I just want to live in an episode of Ashes to Ashes to be honest. hahaaaaa If only :). Down time is needed.
Radiohead, peppermint tea, Paolo Nutini and Sia...sounds like decent down time to me! :D
I miss Belfast. I think I've done the right thing...but this time last year I was cramming things onto boxes and setting out on an epic adventure to live in Northern Ireland...and I miss it. I miss the craziness, the freedom and in a way, being miles away from all the stupid history and connections. Oo and the weird Belfast smell...endless rainy days...dashing in and out of Queen's cloisters hiding under a broken Primark (Or Pre-mark as the Norn Irns would say) umbrella with the rain pounding all around you, leaking through the cracks of the brick work. Some days might have been lonely, but I miss the nights out...an Irish party can never be missed!! And ahh all the annoying taxi rides to and from West Belfast and town...the scorn Marty's dad gave me every time I even mentioned to words "Lift please...maybe??", and the random drives to Tescos in Lisburn. Thinking of any reason to be late for work, avoiding the library, skipping lectures, sneaking out the back door instead for a quick Starbucks and a writing session...that was Belfast :). Bliss.
The Island seems quiet knowing everyone has gone. Viki's gone up to Bristol for a few days and all here is doing is looking grim, rainy and seriously uninviting. Argg. Winter has definitely come far too early for my liking! :). But instead of pining to be outside in the dreamy summer light, I am getting used to this working lark, and I'm starting to wonder what do you really do on days off? Procrastination seems silly now. I barely know what to do with myself for an hour alone in the house let alone a whole weekend!! haha :)...have to smile I suppose. Everythings moving on and it's good. See optimism there! YAY!!
Have a craving to go to Scotland or somewhere though. Somewhere cold and far away where snuggling in trashy jumpers and chugging down copius amounts of steamy tea could never be frowned upon. I think I just want to live in an episode of Ashes to Ashes to be honest. hahaaaaa If only :). Down time is needed.
Radiohead, peppermint tea, Paolo Nutini and Sia...sounds like decent down time to me! :D
Friday, 10 September 2010
Scuzzy
'We're just two lost souls...swimming in a fish bowl'
Summer has been crazy. It's just been a fuzzy blur of endless pale skin, too much wine, even more work, wasting wages on music and vodka, and chilled evenings with the ladies and cake. My little sisters been to Ghana and back and has just become an entirely gorgeous person...and I've stayed on the island, worked and haven't done anything noticeably special or amazing. Sucks ey?
I've been screwed over, played, shot down, stressed to tears, and well...heartbroken. But fuck it all. If anything its made me realise that I am surrounded by beautiful people who do care...I have no reason to mope about one arsehole who has absolutely no respect for anything without a penis. And in fact, thank you for an entirely eventful summers. I think I've learnt so much more in these few sunny months than I have ever done in all the years stuck doing A levels and even in Uni. Thank you for all the angst and heartache :)...there is nothing wrong with me. You allowed me to escape the rut and now I can breathe a little. It was never worth the anxiety it caused and never will be, no matter how rubbish I feel watching you get on with it...was all just a little delicate bubble waiting to burst. It had it's purpose and then it fucked off...beautifully disposable.
'It's a simple fact that you can't seem to handle me...'.
I have discovered so much this summer and have like just been more mary-like than ever. I've discovered the wonders of caramel soya lattes :)....ahhh my days they are wonderful! Caffeine has never tasted so good...and to a food freak, that is some serious compliment haha :). I've found out that revenge is one of the sweetest things, although I really shouldn't admit to this. Also that if I were a lesbian, Victoria Bruinsma would be my first port of call :D. She is just epic in all proportions and I would never want to loose her...cake sessions would never be the same :). Her, Jake and Laura have made this summer. Spa Tuesdays will always be remembered, even if Jake's vision is disrupted by jacuzzi bubbles so much he can't tell which feet are his own. Haaaaaa love. And despite everything, I've discovered some lovely people amongst all the rubbish. Thanks to the East Cowes crew!! I know I've been a mess recently and all, but you guys have been brilliant and I love you. Mostly :).
Ahhh and I've been to Cardiff and the gorgeous place of Bristol!! Good times; me and Viki, freezing in the rain, wandering around Bristol venting all dislike of men and money whilst searching for Starbucks. Bristol!! Come on Bristol...really, six hours searching for Starbucks?? Pfffffft London next time I think :). But you are rather lovely though Bristolia, so no worries!
Everything else is all a bug fuzz really. Know I've been drunk a lot. A lot, a lot. O dear.....I sound like a total wino. But despite going a bit crazy, it's been what I've needed. Relaxation, new people and total hecticness. Bliss. But I know this chilled feeling and contentedness isn't going to last for long...everyone has started leaving and going back to uni and is so weird that to think that this time last year, I was cramming things into boxes, being a pile of nerves and travelling for two days to get Ireland. Is so weird I'm not doing it all again this year, and I'm dreading being left behind. But time is more needed than a hectic year of literature and all that balls haha. O well. Will all be worth it. Hopefully. And besides...I've finally been on my first ever random date!! Argg I feel loved :). And despite being absolutely petrified and getting a little too light-headed than I planned it...it was, hopefully, strangely good. To all you doubting ladies out there...nice guys do actually exist, we just choose to ignore them most the time...there's always hope. Feels like I never really went to Belfast...I don't remember uni happening...but I know this year is going to be hectic and the most boring, hard core, and yet exciting and scariest year yet. Becoming 20, endless opportunities and having a year to do anything in? I think this could be love....
To life, tears and rubbish men...I thank you for making us realise what we really do have, and all the things that actually mean something
.X.
Summer has been crazy. It's just been a fuzzy blur of endless pale skin, too much wine, even more work, wasting wages on music and vodka, and chilled evenings with the ladies and cake. My little sisters been to Ghana and back and has just become an entirely gorgeous person...and I've stayed on the island, worked and haven't done anything noticeably special or amazing. Sucks ey?
I've been screwed over, played, shot down, stressed to tears, and well...heartbroken. But fuck it all. If anything its made me realise that I am surrounded by beautiful people who do care...I have no reason to mope about one arsehole who has absolutely no respect for anything without a penis. And in fact, thank you for an entirely eventful summers. I think I've learnt so much more in these few sunny months than I have ever done in all the years stuck doing A levels and even in Uni. Thank you for all the angst and heartache :)...there is nothing wrong with me. You allowed me to escape the rut and now I can breathe a little. It was never worth the anxiety it caused and never will be, no matter how rubbish I feel watching you get on with it...was all just a little delicate bubble waiting to burst. It had it's purpose and then it fucked off...beautifully disposable.
'It's a simple fact that you can't seem to handle me...'.
I have discovered so much this summer and have like just been more mary-like than ever. I've discovered the wonders of caramel soya lattes :)....ahhh my days they are wonderful! Caffeine has never tasted so good...and to a food freak, that is some serious compliment haha :). I've found out that revenge is one of the sweetest things, although I really shouldn't admit to this. Also that if I were a lesbian, Victoria Bruinsma would be my first port of call :D. She is just epic in all proportions and I would never want to loose her...cake sessions would never be the same :). Her, Jake and Laura have made this summer. Spa Tuesdays will always be remembered, even if Jake's vision is disrupted by jacuzzi bubbles so much he can't tell which feet are his own. Haaaaaa love. And despite everything, I've discovered some lovely people amongst all the rubbish. Thanks to the East Cowes crew!! I know I've been a mess recently and all, but you guys have been brilliant and I love you. Mostly :).
Ahhh and I've been to Cardiff and the gorgeous place of Bristol!! Good times; me and Viki, freezing in the rain, wandering around Bristol venting all dislike of men and money whilst searching for Starbucks. Bristol!! Come on Bristol...really, six hours searching for Starbucks?? Pfffffft London next time I think :). But you are rather lovely though Bristolia, so no worries!
Everything else is all a bug fuzz really. Know I've been drunk a lot. A lot, a lot. O dear.....I sound like a total wino. But despite going a bit crazy, it's been what I've needed. Relaxation, new people and total hecticness. Bliss. But I know this chilled feeling and contentedness isn't going to last for long...everyone has started leaving and going back to uni and is so weird that to think that this time last year, I was cramming things into boxes, being a pile of nerves and travelling for two days to get Ireland. Is so weird I'm not doing it all again this year, and I'm dreading being left behind. But time is more needed than a hectic year of literature and all that balls haha. O well. Will all be worth it. Hopefully. And besides...I've finally been on my first ever random date!! Argg I feel loved :). And despite being absolutely petrified and getting a little too light-headed than I planned it...it was, hopefully, strangely good. To all you doubting ladies out there...nice guys do actually exist, we just choose to ignore them most the time...there's always hope. Feels like I never really went to Belfast...I don't remember uni happening...but I know this year is going to be hectic and the most boring, hard core, and yet exciting and scariest year yet. Becoming 20, endless opportunities and having a year to do anything in? I think this could be love....
To life, tears and rubbish men...I thank you for making us realise what we really do have, and all the things that actually mean something
.X.
Monday, 9 August 2010
I love you but you can't hear me
You can't see me in the crowd
You can't see my smile
Let go and let yourself love...just for a while. Just a little while.
I miss you
'Be my friend...hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me...I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up and breathe me...'
The missing is only temporary though. It fades. I will not be taken for a ride by anyone...time to jump ship : )
Under the Cherry Tree
There is a time for all things to end and a time for new things to blossom and unfold.
I just have this dull ache inside. The one where you know what's happening, you just can't dare to admit it yet. The ache where you know exactly what they're going to say....and what you have to do to get out of all the mess you've made. But you can't seem to bring yourself to do it just yet.
Not right now.
Ellie's in Ghana and for a change I'm the one thats been left behind...it feels weird to think of her in Africa. She's loving it...absolutely loving it and I'm so pleased she's settled in so quickly and is doing so well. She deserves it. But I have the rubbish everyones-moving-on-with-out-me-feeling and it's sunk to the bottom of my stomach like a rock. I love her. I miss her so much...she's the better half of me and I need her. But I need this space and time to myself to let events sink in. And i mean really sink in. I'm facing a year of being stuck on the island alone for a year and its scary me to death....have no idea what to do with myself, and I've never imagined me in a proper job..but I suppose I need to experience it. My friends grilled me today and told me to be sensible for once in my life and do what I need to do...and not the first thing which pops into my head. I'm good at popping...just not good at accepting consequences : ). O dear.
I sat there...staring out of the window like all the answers would just fall out of the sky and into my hands, but all there was was anxiety and isolation. I know what i need to do...but its far beyond what I really want to do. I need this year to become sensible and to re-focu myself on me and what it is a really want...but with no one around me I'm sure I want to. I'm going to miss them all so much. Watching them all go back to univeristy is going to sting...but they've all worked for what they have and what have I ever done? Procrastinated, fooled myself into thinking it would all happen just like that and fallen for the wrong guys. Great one. Hence the mess. But there's alway a way out...Just have to really work for what I want and actually do it rather than thinking about it all and living in a dream world all the time. I like dreams but have to draw the line somewhere, or I will be caught in my own dream and never have to chance of succeeding in reality. I'm fed up of being lied to and played and tired of thinking it'll all happen tomorrow when it wont. It never does.
Looking back...I think I did go to Belfast for Marty. I can sugar-coat it as much as I want and I can pretend I went there for an new start...and maybe I did really go there for the thrill...but it never really lived up to expectations. I wasn't free. I was miles away from home in a place I still don'd really understand and even though I couldn't admit it at the time...I think it was mainly for Marty. Love keeps my world spinning, and turning and dipping and diving...and it all stops when theres no love. Then I realise why I did things. I should never have gone and should have seen this all coming; never think and never face the consequences. But I can't change anything and from what I've learned, I'm not sure I really want to. No regrets. And now, after it all...I'm even more stuck than I would like to believe.
I've fallen for the excitment and now I'm in the process of being heartbroken. Karma.
There's an end to everything. I know that...but why does the ending have to be now? Why can't this summery bliss last for a little longer?? And there's a time for new things to blossom and unfold.
.X.
I just have this dull ache inside. The one where you know what's happening, you just can't dare to admit it yet. The ache where you know exactly what they're going to say....and what you have to do to get out of all the mess you've made. But you can't seem to bring yourself to do it just yet.
Not right now.
Ellie's in Ghana and for a change I'm the one thats been left behind...it feels weird to think of her in Africa. She's loving it...absolutely loving it and I'm so pleased she's settled in so quickly and is doing so well. She deserves it. But I have the rubbish everyones-moving-on-with-out-me-feeling and it's sunk to the bottom of my stomach like a rock. I love her. I miss her so much...she's the better half of me and I need her. But I need this space and time to myself to let events sink in. And i mean really sink in. I'm facing a year of being stuck on the island alone for a year and its scary me to death....have no idea what to do with myself, and I've never imagined me in a proper job..but I suppose I need to experience it. My friends grilled me today and told me to be sensible for once in my life and do what I need to do...and not the first thing which pops into my head. I'm good at popping...just not good at accepting consequences : ). O dear.
I sat there...staring out of the window like all the answers would just fall out of the sky and into my hands, but all there was was anxiety and isolation. I know what i need to do...but its far beyond what I really want to do. I need this year to become sensible and to re-focu myself on me and what it is a really want...but with no one around me I'm sure I want to. I'm going to miss them all so much. Watching them all go back to univeristy is going to sting...but they've all worked for what they have and what have I ever done? Procrastinated, fooled myself into thinking it would all happen just like that and fallen for the wrong guys. Great one. Hence the mess. But there's alway a way out...Just have to really work for what I want and actually do it rather than thinking about it all and living in a dream world all the time. I like dreams but have to draw the line somewhere, or I will be caught in my own dream and never have to chance of succeeding in reality. I'm fed up of being lied to and played and tired of thinking it'll all happen tomorrow when it wont. It never does.
Looking back...I think I did go to Belfast for Marty. I can sugar-coat it as much as I want and I can pretend I went there for an new start...and maybe I did really go there for the thrill...but it never really lived up to expectations. I wasn't free. I was miles away from home in a place I still don'd really understand and even though I couldn't admit it at the time...I think it was mainly for Marty. Love keeps my world spinning, and turning and dipping and diving...and it all stops when theres no love. Then I realise why I did things. I should never have gone and should have seen this all coming; never think and never face the consequences. But I can't change anything and from what I've learned, I'm not sure I really want to. No regrets. And now, after it all...I'm even more stuck than I would like to believe.
I've fallen for the excitment and now I'm in the process of being heartbroken. Karma.
There's an end to everything. I know that...but why does the ending have to be now? Why can't this summery bliss last for a little longer?? And there's a time for new things to blossom and unfold.
.X.
Sunday, 25 July 2010
The Scream
I begin to feel undeniably guilty. I begin to question everything thing I've done and an overwhelming sense of anxiety swells inside me.
'Now that you've found it, you don't. Now that you feel it, you don't....So don't get any big ideas, they're not gonna happen...'
But then I think being scared isn't the reason to run away and maybe it's a good feeling; it shows I care enough to feel petrified by it. That's good. I'm learning that being scared is a love-hate relationship; there's nothing I can do about my feelings no matter what they are and being scared is terrifying...but it means I do have some feelings about all of this buried underneath the skittish exterior. If I'd just woken up, stared at the ceiling for a while and wiped the sleepy dust from my eyes, I think I'd be happy enough within myself to feel confident I've made the right decisions for the right reasons. But it's other people who make you scared. I'm happy. I know I am and I know I've done the right things and I'm doing all of this because it makes me happy. But talking to friends makes you wonder whether you've done the right thing, and whether you've done it for the right reasons.
Too many minds in one head.
Too many hearts beating in one chest.
Too many pulses of anxiety in one body.
I think I'm just scared. It's all new and exciting but shit scary at the same time. Everyone gets scared, I just don't know how to feel calm about it yet. My friends are beautiful and I love them entirely, but sometimes you have to stick to your guns and go on that instant emotion when you wake up. Happiness. I can't keep acting on that nagging guilt feeling...I have to love for the right reasons.
This probably sounds like a complete riddle to some people, and I think that's probably a good thing. So much has happened in the last month and I can't even remember which day it is half the time. But I don't think the pace of it really matters...the speed makes it accelerating and makes the scared feeling all the more intense, but all that really matters is that your doing it for the right reasons. I love wholeheartedly and this is no exception. I'm sorry for the way things have turned out and I'm sorry for all the heartache I've caused...but you have to be sure. And if your not sure, then what's the point?? I wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't try and go back and change how I feel and the way things went...it just happened. But I would change how I realised and when i cried over it. But you can never changed raw emotion and never should.
It seems as though I've fallen down the rabbit hole. Accidentally fallen into something so scary and different and electric that I dunno if the stars still shine at night or not. I'm sorry. But we have to have the courage to act on how we feel...on those nagging doubts and fiery thoughts.
Tell me I should be calm
.X.
'Now that you've found it, you don't. Now that you feel it, you don't....So don't get any big ideas, they're not gonna happen...'
But then I think being scared isn't the reason to run away and maybe it's a good feeling; it shows I care enough to feel petrified by it. That's good. I'm learning that being scared is a love-hate relationship; there's nothing I can do about my feelings no matter what they are and being scared is terrifying...but it means I do have some feelings about all of this buried underneath the skittish exterior. If I'd just woken up, stared at the ceiling for a while and wiped the sleepy dust from my eyes, I think I'd be happy enough within myself to feel confident I've made the right decisions for the right reasons. But it's other people who make you scared. I'm happy. I know I am and I know I've done the right things and I'm doing all of this because it makes me happy. But talking to friends makes you wonder whether you've done the right thing, and whether you've done it for the right reasons.
Too many minds in one head.
Too many hearts beating in one chest.
Too many pulses of anxiety in one body.
I think I'm just scared. It's all new and exciting but shit scary at the same time. Everyone gets scared, I just don't know how to feel calm about it yet. My friends are beautiful and I love them entirely, but sometimes you have to stick to your guns and go on that instant emotion when you wake up. Happiness. I can't keep acting on that nagging guilt feeling...I have to love for the right reasons.
This probably sounds like a complete riddle to some people, and I think that's probably a good thing. So much has happened in the last month and I can't even remember which day it is half the time. But I don't think the pace of it really matters...the speed makes it accelerating and makes the scared feeling all the more intense, but all that really matters is that your doing it for the right reasons. I love wholeheartedly and this is no exception. I'm sorry for the way things have turned out and I'm sorry for all the heartache I've caused...but you have to be sure. And if your not sure, then what's the point?? I wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't try and go back and change how I feel and the way things went...it just happened. But I would change how I realised and when i cried over it. But you can never changed raw emotion and never should.
It seems as though I've fallen down the rabbit hole. Accidentally fallen into something so scary and different and electric that I dunno if the stars still shine at night or not. I'm sorry. But we have to have the courage to act on how we feel...on those nagging doubts and fiery thoughts.
Tell me I should be calm
.X.
Thursday, 15 July 2010
A great summer love affair
I used to believe that nothing could ever go my way...that I could only dare to dream I would ever have the courage to realise what I really wanted and that I could actually make it happen. But when everything is suddenly turned on its head, and when things that you thought were once solid and even touchable, become so dilluted and out of reach...you then realise that you can make things different.
I've had an interesting year. Met some fantastic people, made a new life, fallen in love, been drunk a lot, cried, stressed, loved, hugged, kissed, moved house, become independant, risked a beautiful relationship, decided I hate my course and was living a life I should rather than one I loved...slept, wept, ate and cried some more. And at the end of it all, despite everything, I think I've finally made a little head way.
Belfast is beautiful. Scary and big, but entirely beautiful. Coming from an island, anything apart from a small town is immense and overwhelming, but I think I needed to feel so out of my depth. I had to be plunged into a manic city to realise what I have and what I want, and even though it hasn't all worked out 'to plan', it has allowed me to be able to make my own decisions and discover how important the little things are. University is not the breezey, carefree ride most people think...and I realise that now. You have to want it...you have to be ambitious and commited and I wasn't either. And walking into a class full of students laced with the excitement of graduation and 'the next big read', you kinda realise that you don't fit in when you sit at the back and just wish for a Starbucks, a little David Gray and anything apart from books. But it hasn't been wasted. From any experience comes the chance for change and the chance to become brave and to follow what your gut tells you.
Sitting on the bed with my sister, listening to the summer rain and watching the drips slide down the window, I feel a sense of gratitude about how things have turned out. A lot of my uni friends have blogs and write about what an amazing year they've had, and I kinda feel on the outside. Like I don't belong. But I don't think it matters. I've realised how much I love home...despite the nagging mothers : ). I am so lucky to have such brilliant friends, the most gorgeous sister anyone could wish for, and to have someone who is happy to hold my hand and watch me unfold. And i'm lucky to have been giving another chance. This year is about finding me, and who I am. My ex once said...'you can't answer anything because you don't know who you are yourself'.
So here goes.
Lets unleash the real Mary on the world and see what happens. : ).
I've had an interesting year. Met some fantastic people, made a new life, fallen in love, been drunk a lot, cried, stressed, loved, hugged, kissed, moved house, become independant, risked a beautiful relationship, decided I hate my course and was living a life I should rather than one I loved...slept, wept, ate and cried some more. And at the end of it all, despite everything, I think I've finally made a little head way.
Belfast is beautiful. Scary and big, but entirely beautiful. Coming from an island, anything apart from a small town is immense and overwhelming, but I think I needed to feel so out of my depth. I had to be plunged into a manic city to realise what I have and what I want, and even though it hasn't all worked out 'to plan', it has allowed me to be able to make my own decisions and discover how important the little things are. University is not the breezey, carefree ride most people think...and I realise that now. You have to want it...you have to be ambitious and commited and I wasn't either. And walking into a class full of students laced with the excitement of graduation and 'the next big read', you kinda realise that you don't fit in when you sit at the back and just wish for a Starbucks, a little David Gray and anything apart from books. But it hasn't been wasted. From any experience comes the chance for change and the chance to become brave and to follow what your gut tells you.
Sitting on the bed with my sister, listening to the summer rain and watching the drips slide down the window, I feel a sense of gratitude about how things have turned out. A lot of my uni friends have blogs and write about what an amazing year they've had, and I kinda feel on the outside. Like I don't belong. But I don't think it matters. I've realised how much I love home...despite the nagging mothers : ). I am so lucky to have such brilliant friends, the most gorgeous sister anyone could wish for, and to have someone who is happy to hold my hand and watch me unfold. And i'm lucky to have been giving another chance. This year is about finding me, and who I am. My ex once said...'you can't answer anything because you don't know who you are yourself'.
So here goes.
Lets unleash the real Mary on the world and see what happens. : ).
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